Dreams not like others

A typical timeline of a nepali girl with my background looks like this.

Study till 23, work till 25ish and than the boy searching begins. The families contacting other family member who have acceptable male candidate for marriage.

Good family background, good education, good looking-average looking enough is good and heres his photo, facebook, email, number and insta. Talk and get to know each other, If you like him with in 6 to 12 month families decide on a date for engagement and than eventually marriage.

Being 22 now, I thought i still had 3 years minimum before the talks of marriage will pop up. Don't get me wrong, my family aren't introducing guys, just yet. But my surrounding has definitely changed. When i see photos of any wedding of close relative, the bride is no longer 5, 6 years older to me or a didi (older sister), But is just a year above or even my age.

Moment like this makes you give yourself a reality check of the "timeline". It's not far when the boy searching will begin and decisions of to talk to him or not will have to be made. The dilemma here, is i don't dream of having a big wedding, traveling till late 20 with your husband, than baby before 30, another one after 3 years and rest of the life spending raising souls, who i cant even explain to about death, sex or life.

Marriage is beautiful, I've seen both good ones and bad ones. i definitely would like to wear a beautiful red bride outfit and have my own backyard setting wedding one day. Not too big or loud, close, meaningful and intimate. But not just to tick the box when its close to my timeline of 25 years old, or for the need to prove to others by not being the only one single. Being single is amazing, are you crazy. Ive never been in a committed relationship, Because the beauty in being happy with yourself first, is amazing.

The attention of boys can feel eye rolling good. hahha being loved, wanted. Having someone to say good night too and them soft kisses and cuddles! cuddlessss!!!. But sleeping in the bed all by yourself, not having to share it. Not having to check with someone before you agree on a plan. This independence is crazy and freeing,

But why does those things have to be taken away if you chose to committee to someone. Why do you have to filter yourself around the one person who you will be sharing your life with forever. Compromise, the most irritating thing i hear when someone describes marriage. It just feels, so caging and half hearted. I don't want my future husband bless his soul, to compromise with any of my behaviours or personality despite the fact that deep inside he doesn't want to. Acceptance is what i want. Of all of me and all of him. Am i dreaming to much or too big. Is the future i see, want and dream of, like wanting to be Cinderella, something so far fetched?

Im not! i mean im not going to marry because Im 25 and closer to 30. Im not going to talk to someone online, through the phone and decide if this person is the one ill be happy spending the rest of my life with. I don't want to seem judgemental as there are many girls for which this reality is not so bad. I guess i don't dream like the others.

My sister, even she and i have different views. One day we were going through some far relatives wedding photos on facebook. This was one big one. The bride was covered in gold from head to toe and to top it up a diamond tiara too. Different outfits, huge venues and beautiful professional photography. Daughters, from the same parents yet how different was our perspective. As my face was cringing from the pretentious poses and disgusted with the need to show others their big union, My sister was wowing away on the brides outfits, venues and photos. When i spoke out loud saying, "ewww this is just disgusting". She looks at me confused "why?? its so nice," I replied 'i just don't get it, its just so not real and meaningful, this type of big wedding, not my cup of tea". To which she says, "really i love this, its so nice, if i could i would have another wedding just so i could be a bride again',

I didn't judge her, but started wondering. Why do i not feel the same. Why am i not excited by the idea of being a bride, and getting married or having a big wedding. As i went deep into the question. It took me back to my teen years. The age of 14, 15 is when girls were being told about marriage and how they would be as a bride. Thats when it sparked. When i was 14, 15 i was told only one thing. OHhh your youngest daughter is soo (moti) fat hai and tall omg, it gonna be so hard to find her a guy. But your oldest is so homely, paru (my sister) will be an amazing daughter in law.

I wasn't given the hope to attaining them goals. I was always told to be the girl who will be hard to marry off. Which was i guess why, i never dreamt of a wedding and felt the need to be a bride as subconsciously i believed that, that day would never come for me as a young girl. Why many girls are amazed by the idea of weddings and marriage is because we are subconsciously prepared to dream of this day, to believe that thats what we deserve, how it gives birth to bridzillas, the reason for so many women to make their big day so grand. They are born for this day, is what they believe.

My big day will be when i launch my own business, my big day will be when i can pay for my parents to travel the world, my big day is when i can lay in bed with a guy who i know inside out and love him despite. My big day is not going to be feeding hundreds of people to show them how happy i am with this man, i talked with online. But will be when i can look into my mans eyes just after waking up looking like creep and see him deeply and madly in love with me.

My wedding will be a celebration of a union already made with the people i love. Maybe Im weird. Maybe i should thank the aunties comment that made me think this way or that thank god i was fat and ugly to be labeled hard to marry, which lead me to dream of dreams not like others.