Hello Body

Hello everybody.

Body this word has been a painful word for me. I wasn't body conscious as a child but eventually little comment from elders and members of my family made me aware of my own body. I was a big boned baby and grew very tall and big quickly. So the comment you are so big always something I heard. Which I didn't understand if it was a good thing or a bad but never the less.

Like every teen anyways does I started to hate my body, or find it to be extremely unattractive. Fat has been a comment I heard all my life and I have been fat all my life so I accepted that I must just be like this.

The body issue also came with un relatable beauty standards I was a tan girl, with big curly hair, curvy and tall. While the two girls in my house my mom and sister where fair, very fair and being from the asian community fair is celebrated in our community. I on the other hand love the trade I had but eventually the view of society and little comments here and there made me very self conscious, low in confidence and unattractive.

My lack of body confidence was heightened with Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), or body dysmorphia, is a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others. As a result, people with this disorder see themselves as "ugly" and often avoid social exposure.

My self hate for my own body pushed me to neglect self care even simple daily grooming as grooming or doing simple washing your face or body meant I had to face looking at my body and the Idea of looking at something so ugly and disgusting was too painful. This emotional trauma pushed me to food for comfort and when I ate more I gained more weight making my own self image and body dysmorphia worst. It was a never ending cycle that went on to be part of my life for about 15 year.

As even as an emotionally healed person now at 24, I can't say that body issue is no longer an issue for me. I still struggle with it and I'm sure that it's not only me. In this social media influencer world, we are expected to look perfect even as a common person. Our standards of beauty has become unattainable and damaging us subconsciously in levels that even i did't not realise had impacted me.

So here I am. The last 2, 3 years I've shared and talked about the emotional baggages that I had been holding on and the healing that I had worked on layer by layer, which I full achieved healing earlier this year. I've gotten to enjoy the world with a whole new perspective, healed person really shines differently, I tell you and that's how I've been. I enjoy the littlest thing with great joy and nothing bothers me. Even when people poke and try to push me, I find myself calm and in control of myself and my emotions. It has truly been a blessing, I can't thank the universe enough for the journey of what I went through to find the peace I have found today.

But I for enjoyed for two or more months of just 'being healed' hehe. Before, project next level went on the floor. My inner self is healed, I find myself to be content and whole but now I need to work on the physical self of myself. Which is why

'Hello body'.

I am pulling out all the pains and learning to love, understand, better and accept the body I have. I found it very hard in the beginning trying to visually look and accept all the damage my toxic stage left on my body. But also to allow myself to love the my flaws, they made me who I am today, the whole person I am internally. But despite that I still do find myself saying why could I not have a good body or why could I not be pretty like so and so. The extreme weight gain, stretch marks, scares neglect and little self care has left trails of scare around my body not a inch is left untouched and looking at them is also like looking at the multi layers of pain and traumas that caused them. Making it hard somedays, as the pain resurfaces and the emotions leads to the need to drain it with tears.

However, this is just the beginning baby! The road is long I know but I have been here before and those daily baby steps of loving and healing the pain of looking at the physical scared that is left behind on my body, will eventually take me to a better place as I look after her, care for her, pure love to her which will eventually take all the years of hating as I learn to appreciate and mostly accept her.

Not again will I hate her for being her.

Hello body